NotesFamily4 min read
3 things to do when someone you love refuses therapy
You cannot install motivation in another adult. I wish that were less true. What you can do is change the conditions around the decision, and stop paying a price that helps nobody.
1. Find out what the actual objection is
"I don't need therapy" is almost never the whole sentence. Underneath it is usually something more specific: I tried it and it was useless. I cannot afford it. If I start talking I will not stop. My father would have called this weakness. Men in my family do not do this.
Each of those has a different response, and none of them is answered by telling someone therapy is helpful. Ask what they imagine would happen in the room. The answer is often something you can address directly.
2. Lower the size of the first step
Nobody is refusing a fifteen-minute call. They are refusing an open-ended commitment to be examined for years. A consultation call, a single session, a specific question to bring — small doors get walked through.
Practical help counts too: finding two or three names, checking what a session costs, sitting in the next room for the first video session. Logistics are a real barrier disguised as reluctance.
3. Change what you do, since you cannot change what they do
This is the part people resist and it is the part that moves things. Stop covering the consequences that would otherwise be theirs. Say plainly what you can keep doing and what you cannot. Get your own support, because living beside untreated illness is genuinely hard and you are allowed to treat that as real.
Systems shift when one person in them changes reliably. Not always, and not on your timeline, but it is the leverage that exists.
The exception
If there is risk to their life or anyone else's, this stops being a persuasion problem. Call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or 911 in an emergency. Do not wait for willingness.
Worth Keeping
Three things to take away
- Refusal usually hides a specific, answerable objection.
- Make the first step smaller than the one being refused.
- Your own therapy is a legitimate response to someone else's refusal.
Many of the people I work with came in because of someone else, and stayed for themselves. That is a perfectly good way to start.
Read more: Common questionsFree Consultation
Start with a conversation, not a commitment.
The first step is a free consultation call. We talk about what brings you here, what you have already tried, and whether working together makes sense. If I am not the right fit, I will say so and point you somewhere better.
- · Consultations run Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Tell me what suits and I will confirm by email
- · Telehealth anywhere in California, or in person in Santa Monica
- · Private pay, with superbills for out-of-network reimbursement
- · 48 hours' notice for changes or cancellations
Or call the office at (213) 761-8555.