NotesGrief4 min read
5 things not to say to someone who is grieving
Nearly everyone who says the wrong thing meant well, and the fear of saying the wrong thing is why so many people say nothing at all — which is worse. Here is what to skip and what works.
1. "They're in a better place"
Even where the belief is shared, this asks the grieving person to be consoled on schedule. Faith can be a genuine comfort; it is theirs to reach for, not yours to apply.
2. "At least..."
At least they lived a long life. At least you had those years. At least it was quick. Everything after "at least" is an argument that the loss is smaller than it feels. Nobody has ever been comforted by having their grief adjusted downward.
3. "Everything happens for a reason"
This asks someone to find meaning in the worst thing that has happened to them, while it is still happening, in order to make the conversation more bearable for the person speaking.
4. "How are you doing?" with an expectation attached
The question is fine. What is not fine is the version that arrives four months later with mild surprise in it. Grief has no expiry date, and people become very good at reading which answer you were hoping for.
5. "Let me know if you need anything"
Kindly meant, and it hands a logistics task to someone who cannot currently plan a Tuesday. Replace it with something specific: I'm taking your bins out this week. I'm free Sunday to sit with you. I've booked the dog groomer.
Worth Keeping
Three things to take away
- Do not adjust the size of someone's loss.
- Say the person's name; being forgotten is a second loss.
- Specific help beats open offers, always.
The reliable sentence is short: "I'm so sorry. I loved him too. I'm not going anywhere." You are not expected to fix it.
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